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Don't like my attitude? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

Unite against togetherness!

Reality Sucks! I’m Gonna Keep On Dreamin

If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...

No fear! (NAME) is here!

I Don’t Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me

Life's a bitch. Be its pimp

I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts

Save a tree, eat a beaver

By the time you read this, you've already read it

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times

I don't curse, drink and smoke. H*ly shit! My cigarette fell in my glass of beer!

Dont steal, the government hates competition

If you hate me, i love you too. It ain't my fault i'm better than you

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!

The higher you are, the farther you fall

Intelligence could be instinct which has it at the wrong end

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me!

I’ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Not me, not now, maybe later...

Life's a beach... Surf it up!

Trying is the first step towards failure

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone

I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!

When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better

To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all life's problems

WaNnA PLaY ArMy?? ... Ok! SiT BaCk AnD i'LL BLoW ThE HeLL OuT oF YoU!

I avoid temptation unless I can't resist it

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?

Gravity always wins

The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk

There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise

I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings

Buy land, they have quit making it!

Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts

I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it

Eat healthy, exercise more, still die

Politicians prefer unarmed peasants

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

Women/Men who seek to be equal with men/women lack ambition

What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too..

Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink

Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children

Oh my god, you killed Kenny!

Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it

Statistics are used by people who have no proof

Divorce: from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet

You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!

If you act crazy all your life, they'll never be able to commit you

In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop

I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant

Mental Health is overrated

Be The Change You Wish To See

All generalizations are false

A clean dwelling place is the sign of a disturbed mind

This isn't school! This is Hell with flourecent lighting

The funny thing about Common sense is that it's not very common

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense

Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is full already

War does not determine who is right... but who is left

If you are drinking to forget, pay in advance

If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing

In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm?

I can't wait to see how you look when I'm naked

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left

3 words to ruin a guys ego..is it in??

You can better lose a lover than love a loser

I'm only crazy when other people cant stand that I'm right

Women/Men are like public toilets, they are either taken or full of shit

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one

Work harder: People on welfare depend on you

Me breaking the rules? No. I test their elasticity

Be back later...my dog ate my car keys....we are hitchhiking to the vet's office

We came, we saw, we drank beer

Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetimes

You can trust the government, just ask the Indians

Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday

Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer

Save water, drink beer

Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils