You and the bank own a very lovely home

I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

You don't buy the drink here, you only rent it

All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?

Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question

Superman is a travestite

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question

Lower the age of puberty!

God bless Atheism

I drink to make other people interesting

My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex

An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead

A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't

Anarchists of the world, unite!

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Don't be open-minded, your brains might fall out

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss

On the other hand, you have different fingers

Who laughs last, thinks the slowest

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good

I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!

I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it

That money talks I don't deny... I just heard mine yell: Goodbye!!

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids

I'm not a follower... I'm a leader with the same idea

This is where Napolean beat his bone-a-part

First law of science: don't spit into the wind

I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Even hot girls have to fart

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it

Do you got with me get lost? I know the way

It was a brave man who ate the first oyster

There are three types of economists. Those who can count, and those who can't

Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E"

If my car was a horse, I would have to shoot it!

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire hius work

Men are like roses, you got to watch out for all the pricks

Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised

I don't hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on

I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by

Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door

Haggis is a self cleaning meal. Leave it for a while and it will get up and walk away

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings

Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?

Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?

I'm not a dumb blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends

Virginity is like a bubble... One tiny prick and it's gone

If guys had their period, they'd probably brag about the size of our tampons

Fat people are harder to kidnap

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?

Fat Girls are like Mopeds: fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to catch you

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

We don't have a town drunk. We all share the responsibilty

Passwords are like underwear: change them often

Next time wave all your fingers at me!

When it comes to baldness, it's not about losing more hair, it's about getting more head

The height of laziness is a man is shitting on the beach and waiting for the tide

What do they call Bush his zipper? The "U.S. Open

Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1823

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls

Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass

I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says mooooo

The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later

Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE

Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage

Time flies like the wind; fruit flies like bananas

If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk

Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do

After working here, I now realize that "Dilbert" is not a comic strip. It's a documentary

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon

Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass

I never appoligize! I'm sorry, that's just not the way I am

Moblie phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest

Stupid statistics cost american companies 30 zillion dollars each year

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics

Ass, Grass, or Gas: everybody's gotta pay

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

They speak of my drinking but they never consider my thirst

We'd better get outta here, I think I hear one of those silent alarms

I don't like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I must confess, I was born at a very early age

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I invented the cordless extension cord

I can't come tonight, my tires got dizzy...

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife