We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

We don't have a town drunk. We all share the responsibilty

Passwords are like underwear: change them often

Next time wave all your fingers at me!

When it comes to baldness, it's not about losing more hair, it's about getting more head

The height of laziness is a man is shitting on the beach and waiting for the tide

What do they call Bush his zipper? The "U.S. Open

Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1823

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls

Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass

I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says mooooo

The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later

Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE

Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage

Time flies like the wind; fruit flies like bananas

If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk

Be a Minimalist. It's the least you can do

After working here, I now realize that "Dilbert" is not a comic strip. It's a documentary

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon

Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass

I never appoligize! I'm sorry, that's just not the way I am

Moblie phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest

Stupid statistics cost american companies 30 zillion dollars each year

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics

Ass, Grass, or Gas: everybody's gotta pay

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

They speak of my drinking but they never consider my thirst

We'd better get outta here, I think I hear one of those silent alarms

I don't like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I must confess, I was born at a very early age

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I invented the cordless extension cord

I can't come tonight, my tires got dizzy...

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife

Some people say "shoot" instead of "shit." They can't fool me, man. "Shoot" is "shit" with two o's

There's too much blood in my caffeine system

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

It tastes like burning

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway

May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful!

Its a shame that stupidity isn't painful

I can't wait to see how you look when I'm naked

Love me ore leave me. Hey! Where's everybody going??

Life is one of those things that most of us find very difficult to avoid

On the road of life, don't forget to stop and eat the roses

A honest person is someone you could play checkers with over the phone

If I am what I eat them I am cheap, quick, and easy

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain

Jealousy is a wasted emotion. Which is why I recycle

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hated me. He told me I was being ridiculous. Everyone hadn't met me yet

We are searching for rational reasons for believing in the absurd

More and more of our imports come from overseas...

The shortest word for me is I, the sweetest word for me is LOVE, but the only word for me is YOU

2 good 2 be 4 gotten

Ur hot as fire sharp as glass u break my heart ima kick yo ass!

Nice pants, can I test the zipper?

To the world you are just one person but to one person you may be the world

Is that a gun in ur pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Don't hate the player, hate the game

Love is when u don't want to go to sleep cuz reality is beta than a dream

Do you belive in love at first site, or should I walk by again?

I'm loved by some, hated by many, but wanted by many

*ToUcH Me* *TeAsE Me* *cOmE On BaBY * pLeAsE Me*

Can i borrow you library card because i'd like to check you out!

Kisses spread germs and germs are hated.....so kiss me baby!! I'm vacinated!

Call me anytime, I won't be home

I’ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Honk if you love (name), then drive your car into the nearest tree!

I'm not smiling at you, I'm trying not to laugh!

Love is blind. I know, because you don't see me

Guys are air for me, and without air I can't live

Aren't you tired? You're walking for hours in my head!